♪♪
-I don't normally hook up with guys
I meet at parties, but...
you're so different.
Ah!
Ooh!
[ Giggles ]
[ Gasps ]
Condoms are so '80s.
Do it!
I want you to roll down on me.
Oh!
[ Moans ]
-Mom! Mom!
-Yes?!
-Everything all right?
-Yeah.
What's all this?
-It's my physical.
To ensure that I'm fit for interstellar travel.
Or something. Ow!
-Christopher, I'm sorry I never told you.
-My whole life, you gave me shit for my eating.
And it wasn't even my fault.
It was your fault.
You know?
'Cause you fucked an alien. Ow!
Do you have a license to practice medicine?
Mom, you always made me hate who I am,
because I remind you of your mistake.
Well, I'm not a mistake.
Mr. President says I'm gonna be worshipped.
-[ Laughing ] Worshipped.
You're not actually thinking of going with them?
-Why not?
On Earth, girls don't talk to me.
Dickheads like Ethan pummel me.
Hell, you can barely look at me.
-Christopher, that's not true.
I love you, but you can't just run away with these monsters.
-I am one of these monsters.
♪♪
Hi, Mr. President.
-Call me "Dad."
And this is your new mother, Chancellor Eileen.
-[ Chatters ]
-Chancellor Eileen has been very excited to meet you.
-Hi, Mom.
Dad, I wanna come live with you.
-Excellent.
-You can't trust these ankle-biters, Pork Chop.
They're just using you.
-Don't listen to her.
The only reason she's trying to stop you is because
she can't believe someone actually sees you as special.
-They traveled halfway across the galaxy
to find me.
That's what a real family's supposed to do.
Take her away.
-Hold on, hold on.
You wanna talk about family?
What about what happened to Uncle Murray?
-Wait, what happened to Uncle Murray?
-Your new little family here, they killed him.
[ Beeping ]
-Ahh.
-We want the Crite hybrid.
-Go fuck yourself.
-Holt! You son of a bitch!
You said you were gonna protect him!
-Which is exactly what I'm gonna do.
You're too late, Bounty Hunter.
-We thought you might say that.
-Don't touch me! Asshole.
-Christopher! Is that you?
-Dana.
-They turned him into a monster.
Cool! Yo, are you on a spaceship?
-You may not hesitate to leave your classmates
behind on Earth,
but will you choose to condemn them to death?
-Wait. What?
-If you do not return, we will terminate them.
-Such a tough call. Shit.
Chris, you gotta come back, man! They're not playing!
-Christopher, please! I'm sorry I didn't believe you!
-Okay. We have to go back.
-Absolutely not. We have what we came for.
Set a course for our home planet.
-We have to rescue them.
-No.
-You don't have to come with me.
Can't you just drop me off or something?
-Christopher, you are the key
to the next step in Crite evolution.
A rescue mission is just too dangerous.
-So? It was dangerous to come and rescue me and you did it.
-But these human creatures, they are not your family.
-Yes, they are.
-Then I am truly sorry,
for nothing can be done to save them.
-I wouldn't bet on that.
-What are you holding?
-Breath mints,
one of the deadliest poisons known to man.
I keep 'em with me, just in case I get taken against my will.
Just one tablet is enough to kill me.
-Nonsense.
You will not destroy yourself for the sake of these beings.
♪♪
-[ Chattering ]
♪♪
-Ah! No! My son!
Crites! My son has great conviction.
As we returned to rescue him,
so too shall we return to save his comrades.
-That's more like it.
-Wait. Are you just gonna let him throw
himself to the bounty hunters?
-He will not be going alone.
[ Speaks alien language ]
-Christopher...
If you're gonna do this,
meet them someplace public, okay?
-I know.
-[ Speaking alien language ]
Tonight, we eat!
♪♪
-As expected, this contest is no contest at all.
Maximum Doug Armstrong is devouring the competition.
I am seriously going to vomit just watching this.
-We must be prepared for anything.
We don't know what this "Christopher" is capable of.
-And another six dogs down.
No one here is even close to Maximum Doug.
I'm not sure there's anyone in the universe
who could out-eat the reigning champ.
♪♪
-Chris! -Dude!
Now, that's an entrance!
-Let's do this!
♪♪